Do We Hug Or Not?

President Biden declared the Covid Pandemic over and, while folks may or may not agree with him, one thing we have all clearly been seeing is the return of “gatherings.” The NFL, and the rest of major league sports are all back in full swing, along with concerts, family gatherings, barbeques and of course, the WWE. By extension, we’re also seeing people return to hugging as an acceptable and safe greeting. As an empath, I tend to be careful about who and how I hug so for me, Covid has been terrific in that regard. No more awkward “should I hug or not” moments, no feeling pressured to hug strangers because they are friends of friends or worse, enduring unsolicited hugs from folks with whom you’d rather keep your distance. But it wasn’t always that way for me.

Growing up, I was more extroverted, and certainly more fearless. I would often hug everybody, not really understanding the toll it was taking on my energy-body, anxiety levels or even my health. Nowadays I’m a lot more cautious about who and how I hug. Chakra-to-chakra, heart-to-heart? Go in for a long squeeze or just a little “off to the side” pat on the back? For most of us, it depends on the situation; who is the person receiving or giving the hug and what is my energetic relationship with them? It’s not just about a physical connection but also, is their energy “safe” for me to put on like a coat? Are they an angry person, depressed, anxious?

As an empath, it can feel very much like stepping into another person’s clothing, I can feel the emotions and energy that may be churning inside them. Their energy becomes mixed with my own and now I’m left carrying whatever it was that they were stewing over and that’s not good for anyone. The more proximity the more intensely empaths can pick up on the energies of those around them and setting personal boundaries is essential. Before I decide to hug, or allow someone else to hug me, I ask myself, “How do I feel around this person? Is it energetically safe for me to connect with them?”

I recently attended a reunion with beloved friends. We hugged and danced and had a wonderful time and, energetically, it felt very safe, until we sat down to play Cards Against Humanity, the anti-trump version. I am aware that the friend leading the game is about as anti-trump as they come but, the cruelty of the cards was difficult for me to handle. I do understand that’s the point of the game. It’s called Cards Against Humanity for a reason, but the energy evoked from the game left me feeling uncomfortable and drained, even as I delighted in being around some of my dearest friends.

Last week, I attended a gathering of psychics and mediums, people with whom I work. Some I hadn’t seen since before the pandemic; some I’d met only on Zoom and others were completely new to me and, with every greeting the refrain played in my head. Do I hug or not hug? Even taking a case-by-case basis approach, it not hard to get caught up and find yourself hugging everyone, or no one, and the thing I keep coming back to is boundaries.

How often do we feel some sort of obligation to hug or greet others more warmly than we might want to or feel safe to do so? One evening, during our gathering, while waiting to be seated at the hotel restaurant, I addressed a young girl I had seen playing in the pool with her family earlier in the day. I had chatted with them before but not with her, and when I asked how she’d enjoyed swimming, daggers shot back from her eyes as she relocated behind her mother. The adult family members admonished her to not be rude or disrespectful, encouraging her to speak, but to her, I was a total stranger. Why do we teach our children not to talk to strangers and then accuse them of being rude when they do as they’ve been taught?

I smiled and acknowledged that she was one hundred percent right to have her boundaries. It’s confusing enough to be a kid, and encouraging our young people to talk to strangers, especially little girls can open the door to a lifetime of people-pleasing and I was so impressed by this child’s boundaries! She knew she didn’t want, or need, to have my energy enmeshed with hers. How I wish I had that awareness at her young age! I don’t know if she was empathic, but she was certainly wise beyond her years and the example she set has stayed with me.

At another recent professional gathering, a woman I had not seen in several years came rushing up to me. “Oh! I haven’t seen you in forever! I have to hug you!” she fussed, and every fiber in my being screamed “No you don’t!” For a myriad of reasons, not the least of which is she’s someone I barely know, and to whom I have no affinity, other than we work in the same industry. I know from past encounters that her energy is not something I want to engage with but, not wanting to embarrass anyone, I greeted her kindly before continuing the conversation I was already involved in.

As we return to a more “normal” post-Covid life, it feels like there’s an expectation of overly warm greetings, like we’re trying to make up for all the lost time. If you’re an empath, personal and energetic boundaries just became even more essential. Especially in group situations, they can be a life preserver around so don’t toss them aside for the sake of appearance or wanting to fit in.

As we continue to emerge from this time of global pandemic and isolation, some things feel familiar or even the same while others feel uniquely different. It’s essential to take the lessons we’ve learned with us as we resume more communal life. Hold on to the rules and boundaries you set to keep yourself safe, es from Covid, and also energetic contamination. Hug who you want. Hug your loves ones even tighter or don’t hug anyone at all. You’re not obligated to do any of it. No matter who it is, or what the situation may be, if it doesn’t feel right to you, you are 100% free to thrust out your elbow for a bump! Covid has given us the best excuse to keep our distance when we feel uncomfortable. It’s still out there and likely will be for a long time to come so, have at it, blame Covid! It’s your health, both physical and energetic. It’s your response to what’s going on around you, and a global pandemic! As we say in my family, “if you don’t pay my bills, you don’t get a vote” so do what feels right for you because it is your energy and you’re the only one who can decide how best to protect it.

Learn more about Becoming An Empowered Empath at


Working My Way Out Of The Dark…

I sat in my car wondering what would happen if it tumbled off the bridge.  It wasn’t the first time I’d had this thought, or others even more frightening and calculated. 
I was in real trouble. The debate in my head, of whether to continue in this life or not, had been going on for months and I was exhausted. 
I was mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausted.  

You know that saying about tying a knot in the end of your rope to keep hanging on?  I had already been hanging on for too long and
I knew no help was coming.  Not because no one cared but, because no one knew.  I had been using every ounce of strength to hide from everyone, just how far down into the darkness I had descended.  
I couldn’t bear the thought of anyone knowing how near the edge
I truly was, especially not my husband.  He trusted me to keep everything running because he traveled so often for work.  He trusted me to care for our two young boys and I could not let him know what was going on! “What if he wouldn’t love me anymore?” “What if he felt he couldn’t leave me alone with the boys, and had to skip gigs? How would we pay our bills…? The questions and the fear went on and on.

Totally irrational? Sure, but there was some history there too, going back to the birth of our older son.  It had been a life-threatening situation and when it was over, there was a long time before he was able to stop treating me like a China doll, or something so fragile, I might break just walking to the kitchen.  Plus, a struggling mind can seize a distorted thought and hold on like it’s the only piece of driftwood floating in the ocean.  Rational was irrelevant because, when you’re that far down in the darkness, it can be almost impossible to find the light.

No one understood I was in trouble; a few people knew I’d been feeling down but I had hidden my truth so well that tying a knot in the end of my rope seemed pointless.  I felt like the only person who could help me, was me.  I had no idea how, but I knew I had to choose; I could help myself over the side of the bridge or I could help myself to start climbing out of the darkness.

I cried, I prayed, and I begged the Universe to send me a sign.  Please, show me how I am supposed to do this?  And each time, the images in my mind were the same, my boys.  The only thing I knew for sure was that regardless of how shitty I felt, I couldn’t let my battles with depression become their story. The idea of not being there for them was more than I could handle, and the thought of hearing them say their mother took her own life made my stomach contort into new waves of pain. I knew that somehow, I had to stay alive for them.  I had to find my way back to the light.  

“Please,” I begged again, “Show me how to do this, I need help!”

It’s a funny thing about the Universe, it will always answer and, while it’s usually not what we expect or likely even want, ultimately, it’s exactly what we need.

Enter the Savior… “A person I hardly knew, who barely knew I existed, and who sure as hell didn’t believe in any of the things, I held to be true.” (Healing the Shattered)

“Happy Birthday Shari” the text said, and I thought to myself, “Um, thanks” I thought, while thinking, “why are you texting me?” because I knew the last thing I needed was another man hanging around. The hell I’d already been through with the Energy Vampire (Enter The Vampire) was a large part of why I was where I was, and I was definitely not interested in letting anyone new get close to me, ever again! 

“But…” the voice in my head reminded me, “you asked for this.”
Hadn’t I just begged, pleaded, and implored the Universe for help?  Even in my darkness, I knew full well that if you ask, you had better be prepared for the Universe to answer. 
I was not prepared.

I didn’t know him, but I did know “of” him.  We had friends in common though we did not move in the same circles.  Could a total stranger be precisely what I needed?  I felt it was low risk since I didn’t really care what he thought of me and, if it went south, we’d never have to see each other again.  This thought jangled around inside of me and suddenly, for the first time in my life, I felt free.
I did not need to impress him or be charming.  I could say what I wanted and, it didn’t matter if he agreed with me or not since I had next to nothing invested in this. I figured if he were really here to help me, great and if not, fine.  I have often been mentored by men but really, I just assumed this would be nothing more than a brief exchange of messages and I was fine with that.

For him, his dad had recently passed, and though he did not believe in any kind of an afterlife, the notion that, as a medium, I may be able to connect with his father, was intriguing to him. I was intriguing to him.  I was different from anyone else he knew but, in my current state, of literally hiding under my bed, I just didn’t have the energy to care.  But he did.  For whatever his reasons, he cared.  He was kind, he listened, and he asked intelligent questions.  He had zero prior knowledge of anything I believed or had experienced and still, he listened.  He was patient and didn’t even balk when, in my easily triggered state, I bit off his head for an innocent comment which
I took to be overly familiar.

A message here and there morphed into daily communication.  Days blurred into weeks and months, and in him, I not only found a caring friend but the safest space in which to share my truest thoughts and feelings that I’d ever experienced.  For the first time in my life, I found myself able to say what I honestly thought and felt.  I didn’t care if it was cute or witty or even spelled correctly, I simply didn’t have the strength to be invested in that.  As time went on and I got stronger, I came to believe, with every fiber of my being, that the Universe had indeed sent him to help me.  Our conversation was something I could hold on to, a blank slate on which I wrote and wrote.   Every single day, I stunned myself as the words poured out, taking years of pain and anguish with them.  I shared things I’d not been able to tell another human being and our communication became like therapy, for both of us. 

He was willing to learn more about my beliefs, to accept he didn’t have all the answers and stay open to the possibilities in which I wholeheartedly believed.  And while there was never any judgement, he also never hesitated to push me to see things from another point of view.  Our conversations became a journal, where I could use our dialog to work through traumas and sort out my thoughts.  I got to know myself again and, more importantly, to like myself.  Day by day, through the better part of a year, he continued to hold the light as
I worked at pulling myself out of the dark. 

Today I am the happiest I have been in years and though over time, circumstances moved us apart, I will forever be grateful my guides chose him to be my Savior, AND that he was willing to take on the challenge.  While he never complained, I don’t think he had any idea what he was getting himself into when he wished me happy birthday all those years ago.  He still bristles when I say he saved my life though we both know, I might not be here if not for him.  He stepped in to Be The Life Raft and created a space for me to do the work needed to save myself, my marriage and my future. 

The Universe always has a plan if we can bring ourselves to trust it.  The Universe also seeks balance and, while I call him the Savior, he will likely tell you I saved his life right back but, that’s a story for another day.  For now, know that you too can be a life raft! If there is someone in your life, for whom you can hold space, take the chance, make the call, or just say happy birthday.  You just might save a life.

“What I understand now is that the Life, the Universe, the Divine, was using him to teach me, to help teach me to unleash the truth of my life, to unleash my own truth.  And life does that so well you know, it uses other people to help us, if and when we are willing to be helped. And when we are willing to pay attention, and to listen and grow up and out, into the truth of ourselves, there will be Angels of Support, Guardians of Truth, trying to move us in the right direction.”
~Oprah Winfrey

Anger… finally?

As I write this, we are in the time of the full moon in Pisces and emotions are high… It’s been a productive, yet extremely frustrating day and I find myself again skirting an emotion I can barely control.

I. Am. Angry… 

Perhaps it’s more accurate to say I am finally angry.It’s been almost nine months and I still think of him every single day, repeatedly asking the ceiling in my home office or bedroom why he left and why he did the things he did.

Alcoholic, they said.  Having not seen him in three decades, I had no idea.  And though I knew he drank both by his schedule and the prominent “beer belly,” when we finally met face to face, it was his heart that received most of my focus.  Knowing too well the stressors of his job, a heart attack is what I feared more than anything else, with complete organ failure never once entering my mind.  Scanning his energy, his heart wasn’t “clean” but it was strong and the energy I felt at the time, gave me no real cause for concern. 

I know full well not to read for family or trust the energy/emotion cocktail we can experience from those with whom we have the strongest connections, and ours…? 

The Twin Flame connection is generally acknowledged as one of the strongest soul connections in the Universe.  So there’s that.

How many things could have been different had we’d known there would be only the one time for us to be face to face?  How many more questions could have been asked and answered?  How much more open might we have been, knowing this was our only opportunity to connect and learn from each other this way?

“I’ll never leave you again” he said, just months before he died.  And though I endlessly wish he would have chosen to stay here on the Earth plane, I know he is still with me.

“You can’t say that.” I replied.
“Why not?”
“Because neither of us knows what’s going to happen.” 

Why did I say that??  Could I have known a shift was coming?  I get it, I’m a psychic and all but, remember that old saying, “physician, heal thyself.”

Did I know he was going to leave? 
Not that I remember, though knowing the runner/chaser dynamic so common with Twin Flames, I was concerned the joy of finally being face to face would eventually devolve back into our previous pattern of overwhelm, frustration and silence. 

As happy as he was to spend real time, communicating face to face and trying to understand all that had happened between us in the past, he made it clear he was fearful of understanding or using energy as a tool between us. 

The first day we met, I’d asked him to take us to a place with mature trees because I know how amazing tree energy can be, and that it would (hopefully) help us both to stay more grounded.  At one point during our walk around the beautiful park he chose, he looked at me, suddenly panic stricken by the intensity of our connection and the gravity of the situation.  We hadn’t seen each other since we were teenagers and now here we were, finally face to face after more than thirty years.  All the emotion, all the things we wanted to say, and all the things we’d shared seemed to come flooding into his consciousness, as it if were finally real; as if I were finally real. 

All our communication as adults, up until this day, had been via text, email or phone.  This day, and after other attempts to meet through the years had failed, we were finally face to face, and for a minute I thought he might actually pass out.  I shared with him how to diffuse the intensity of the energy.  I showed him how to ground himself and release energy that was not his, or that did not serve his highest good, back to the ground and back to Mother Earth. 
It worked. 

He felt better.  I felt better, and for a moment I had hope that perhaps he’d be open to learning more. 
He wasn’t.  He couldn’t get past the fear.  The thought of manipulating energy terrified him. 

The great irony here is that he was a physicist.  His job was literally figuring out how to manipulate energy on a daily basis but, but he was unable to connect to the concept, as something he himself could learn to do outside of the lab and away from his instruments.  In the end it was all too much for him, and our communication faltered as I knew it would, as it had time and again over the past half dozen years. 

When someone we love transitions to the next world, allowing ourselves to reach the point of anger can be difficult, to say the least. We love them, we want them back and it feels like sadness waits for us around every corner, to remind us they are gone.

And there is anger.  Though so often, we’re quite quick to push those feelings away, as if we are wrong to feel them.  We can’t be angry at our loved ones who’ve passed, that’s insane!  We only want to remember the good things, right?  So when anger does come, it can be just as overwhelming as sadness. 

In my work, I teach that grief comes in waves.  Sometimes the waves are smaller, surprising us with moments of sadness, a memory brought to mind.  And sometimes the waves can knock you down, drag you under and pull you along the rocks, before you’re able to make your way back to the surface.

And so it went with this full moon in Pisces, as it’s powerful energy, deeply rooted in asking us to forgive, came in like a tidal wave and scraped me across the rocks deep below the surface…


To intentionally destroy your body with alcohol (or drugs) raises an anger in me I cannot define.  And yet there is immense compassion as well.  Addiction is a disease that touches so many families.  It has touched mine as well.  And when you know, when you can understand the situation, there remains the possibility that you can do something, say something, or somehow stand in that gap.  But, when a life is lost to an addiction hidden so well, the shock can be even more jarring. 

What if I had known?  Could I have made a difference some how? 
Likely not.

The second afternoon we were together, I asked about his health again, and listened as he spoke of counting the days until he retired.  I knew full well his job was an endless stream of stress that had only gotten worse in recent years.  His response to me; “any damage has already been done.”  And though one of his siblings described him as a raging alcoholic, they also shared that he had quit drinking the day he retired.  It just wasn’t soon enough.  He was right, the damage had already been done and six weeks later he was gone.

So, there is anger, there is frustration and rage, all exacerbated by the powerful energy of this full moon.  Thankfully, as that window closed, the anger subsided.  No longer serving my highest good, much of it was released back to Mother Earth, because I know how to do that and the benefits it brings.

In the end, one of the things he said that day stays with me and gives me hope.

“I can’t promise we will be what we were but I can promise you that I won’t disappear.”
I hold on to that and each time a certain light blinks in my office, or my hands fill will energy, I am reminded he is near.

Love In The Time Of Cholera, I Mean Corona…

My kids are home from college!!  I’m pretty sure I’m not the only parent who’s not completely enamored of the whole empty nest thing.  Though I understand that’s usually a smaller group compared to those  celebrating this milestone, and having the house to themselves again.

I work at home and my spouse travels for his work so, I’ve often had the house to myself.  And, even when they were “home,” my boys weren’t often here, they were busy.  They had soccer practices, extra training, jobs, etc… so, for me, it wasn’t a matter of getting used to the quiet. I missed being able to just chat with them and see their faces.

When Eli was still dating his former girlfriend, he’d often call and chat with me on the drive back from her school to his, since she was about 90 minutes away.  I loved those conversations, we would literally talk about everything. Dylan worked as a valet and would get home around 11:30pm, to tell us about all the funny or weird stuff that happened at the hotel that night.  Suffice to say, tourists do some strange things.

And now, thanks to the current Corona Crisis, they’re back home again.  Aside from the exponential rise in my grocery bill, I am delighted!  What can I say, I actually like my kids.  At the same time, my heart breaks for all that’s been taken from them due to this virus (and the complete failure of our federal government to take appropriate action, instead of burying their collective heads in the sand, but I digress…)

Eli is a college senior and will complete his education where it started, at my kitchen table.  While there is nothing in the world wrong with that, the 72 hours his university gave him to vacate his apartment (while he was still in Florida on Spring Break), robbed him of those last days with his college buddies; the celebrating together, drinking (mama’s not blind), the bonding and reminiscing you do during those last days before graduation.  They are a group of five or six really great kids, who are all about to go their separate ways and the sentimentalist in me is sad for them to have lost this time, poorly made up for with a short evening of pizza and conversation at the hotel before Eli and Rob left Saint Louis for the last time, bringing him and all his stuff back here.

The blue in his college colors is close enough to the blue of his high school,  I’m thinking of using his blue cap and gown from high school graduation, just to take the pictures while we “enjoy” his virtual graduation online (sniff…)  Eli, being an introvert, thinks most of this is great and is already planning to have his buddies all come down here for a post-graduation celebration, after this crisis is over.

Dylan, on the other hand, is not an introvert. and being locked in the house without his gaggle of girl friends (“there’s nothing going on, so stop asking!”), and being kept off the soccer field, is (his words) “pissing the shit out” of him!  He had a tough integration to college life and spent the start of his first semester mostly being angry and surly.  But then he found his groove, he found his “people” and was really enjoying the rest of his freshman year.  He’d just returned from a great Spring Break and had a week of classes before it was all shut down.  He packed up his dorm room and came home, leaving all his plans for the spring soccer season behind him, only to be locked in his house.  So yeah, he’s rightfully pissed.

All in all though, I have to say they’re handling this remarkably well.  Dylan has shifted his room around to make it more conducive to being here until August, while Eli doesn’t want to get too comfy so he can get a job and leave as soon as he graduates and is allowed to do so.  Neither of these scenarios surprises me in the slightest, but what has surprised me, is the kindness and support they’re showing to each other.  Sibling rivalry has been modeled for them since day one, most especially by my father and the sibling shenanigans that, to this day are emblematic of my dad’s relationship with his brothers.  So generally, there’s a litany of curse words and insults flying around that part of the house and I regularly find myself telling them to stop being mean to each other.  Except now, there’s laughter, kindness and cohesion as they play video games together, discuss college and call bullshit on many aspects of their current life situation.

They know this sucks.  Though they tell me, being locked in here is (for the most part) better than being locked in at school.  For one, I don’t care if they drink.  I mean really, where are they going??  Besides, here they have a pool, their own dogs, bigger beds and way better food so, at least there’s that.   And, they’ve come together in the way I’d always hoped they would, but never really had, until now.  The shift in their friendship and the “we’ll get through this together” mentality they’ve adopted, is creating a bond I know will last the rest of their lives.  And for that, I am endlessly grateful.

I know we’re in a global crisis.  This whole thing totally sucks and is incredibly scary.  At the same time, there ARE blessings in it, IF we allow ourselves to see them.  For me, I’ve never been more relieved to have my boys at home, knowing they are safe and protected and finally… really… becoming friends.

P.S. The dogs are exhausted…

Running With The Shadows

shadow walking

You know that saying, when the Universe closes a door, it opens a window somewhere else in your life?  I’ve always liked that idea, and I have tried to lean in to it.
Then there’s that other one, “God won’t give you more than you can handle.”
I fucking hate that one!  It’ makes me want to scream, “What the hell made you think I could handle this??”

Door after door had closed, I just wasn’t convinced windows were actually opening and I was starting to feel like I might suffocate.  The door to Twin closed and it almost killed me.  The door to Vampire closed.  And while I knew that was definitely for my highest good, the damage he did on the way out made the whole thing exponentially worse, and sent me spiraling back into the darkness.  Even though he’d meant to harm me, that encounter would ultimately lead to many blessings and set me on my path to the light.  But first, I had to survive the journey.

Facing our shadow self, doing battle in the depths of the mind, can be a harrowing experience.  It can change us for the better and bring us closer to the light, as we move through that dark night of the soul.  Or, it can root us to where we stand, refusing to see what we really are, and resisting the changes that must inevitably come when we finally face our truest self.

There were a lot of things I did not know were buried in there, things I had never allowed myself to see.  And, I was completely unprepared for the tangibility of this new reality, until it plowed into me like a Mack truck.

OMG, I was a runner.  I was THE runner…  It had been me all along…  Had I pushed them all away?  Had I done this to myself??

In an unbalanced twin flame dynamic, which most of them are, one person is generally a runner and one is a chaser.  My whole life I believed I was a chaser.  People came in and out of our lives and I’d always chosen not to let (important) people go so easily.  I didn’t abandon friendships for no reason and I worked hard to keep in touch.  It’s one of the things I’ve always valued about my Mary Kay business, it gave me a reason to stay in contact with people, especially the ones I cared about.  Other people leave.  Not me.     How could I possibly be a runner??  I’m clearly more like the chaser, right?

Except, it was all just a lie I’d let myself believe.  In reality, I was a runner and I’d been one all my life.  The truth of this realization hit me at a soccer game and sent me in to such a tailspin, I could barely breathe.  I couldn’t see and I surely couldn’t drive.  I remember just sitting in the car at Dylan’s game, crying.  I cried for the whole game, and for many days after as well.
How could this be?  How could I be a runner??  I wasn’t the one who’d been doing all the leaving!!

To accept the truth of this revelation, I would need to re-examine the end of every serious relationship I’d ever known but, I had to know…  Could it really be true?  Or, was it possible for a person to be both?  A runner AND a chaser?

I ended the relationship with my high school boyfriend because I was leaving for college…  in Upstate New York…  from Florida.  We’d been together for about two years and he was a wonderful boyfriend.  He was also a year behind me in school, and though I really loved him, for all intents and purposes, I was moving to New York!  So okay, I wasn’t running there. Whew!

I ended the relationship with my college boyfriend when I was living in Portland, Maine.  He was also a wonderful boyfriend and we’d been together for two and a half years.  He lived in Boston, which was just under two hours away, without snow.  That’s long distance, right?  I loved him but, I was never fully comfortable with his deeply Italian family. They were very kind to me but, we wanted different things, especially when it came to kids and stuff.  I know I didn’t handle it very well, I should have been more upfront with him.  Instead I “got busy” and kind of slipped away, and started dating an actor in one of the shows running at the theater where I worked.  

So yeah, I guess I was the runner in this one.  Damn.

Of course the actor lived in New York and went back there when the show was over, making this one and even “longer” distance relationship.  But he was the one who left, not me, so I’m good!

Except, the truth was that he’d asked me to come with him back to New York, to move in and make a life together.  I adored him but I didn’t want the life he had and I knew I didn’t want to live in the City.  So, we ended.  And though we’d only see each other face to face a few times, we remain dear friends for almost 30 years.  Did this count as running?  I wasn’t really sure.

And then there was that time at the Sizzler… One night, when my husband and I were still dating, I wanted to end it.  I felt like I was suffocating in the relationship but when we met for dinner, I couldn’t bring myself to say the words.  To this day, he won’t set foot in a Sizzler, though these days, there are different reasons for that.  Not too long after the “failed break up dinner,” I finally mustered the strength to ask him to move out.  And when he actually did, I was furious!  He left, I couldn’t believe it!  Except I knew I was the one who pushed him away; runner…  Thankfully,  I had the sense to go get him back!

And then there was Twin…  though we’d known each other since junior high school, we hadn’t stayed in touch or even seen each other in close to thirty years.  In the beginning, before we understood our connection, there were emails here and there but that was all.  Once the link between us had been established, the intensity was such that our relationship lasted less than a year before it exploded.  Those were some of the happiest days of my life and, though we still lived  more than a thousand miles apart, most days I literally felt like he was right next to me.

It ended badly.  I was hurt, and I was angry at him for leaving, for leaving in total silence and for leaving me with so much pain.  But when I could finally look back at the last day we communicated, I could see where I had started to push him away.  Later that same night, I’d sent a text saying I couldn’t continue on the same way any more and something needed to change.  It was me.  It was all me.

The next day, there was no response.  I was so used to hearing from him by eleven am each day, so when I didn’t hear from him, I finally sent an email at around 3 o’clock.  He said, “What did you expect?  You said you didn’t want to continue!”  It had never been my intention (I thought) to end our communication but, my words had hurt him, and he was gone.  There was no discussion, and though I tried again and again, to explain I felt we needed to talk and adjust some things, it didn’t matter.  It was over and he was gone.  Eight months later he reappeared for a day or two of exchanging emails and apologies but, it was never the same.

We both knew the relationship, although very real at the soul level, had no future in our human reality.  Neither of us had any desire to cross lines that would put our marriages at risk.  Yet our communication had bulldozed through the doors of my psychic awareness, opening them wider than ever before and, the astral connection was unlike anything I’d ever experienced.  I knew there was more I was supposed to learn from this.  Except I ran…  And the realization that I had done this to myself was a very hard pill to swallow.

Dealing with the shadow-self is never easy and rarely rational.  Depression that so often accompanies the journey, can twist and contort the mind and, it took me a long time to understand why I’d pushed Twin away.  Even longer, to accept it was the right thing for both of us.  Years later we would finally meet face to face.  Thirty years had passed but I would have known him anywhere.  But, perhaps that’s a story for another day.

In the end the question remained…  Am I still running?

I’ve come to accept that, to a certain extent I will always be a runner and maybe that’s not such a bad thing after all.


Healing the shattered

broken glass by jilbert-ebrahimiSpiritual Awakening rarely happens gently.  Unless you’ve been raised by spiritually awake people and have “woke” as long as you can remember, it’s much more common for spiritual awakening to feel more like being hit in the head with a two by four.  Something happens that completely shifts your perception of reality and you realize things will never be the same.

For me, it was when Michael died.  Not only did he start connecting with me from the “other side,” he also began manipulating things in my world as well.  For one, he enhanced the communication between Twin (Him) and I so our connection deepened much faster than it would have, had it been allowed to develop more naturally.  But Michael had an agenda, and needed me to wake up fast, so I’d be able to help him connect and share his message with his husband.

In all honesty, I loved this time in my life.  It was new and exciting, interesting and dynamic and, I was hungry to learn anything I could get my hands on.  It was one of the happiest times in my life, and then, in what felt like a mushroom cloud, it exploded, leaving shattered pieces of ‘me’ all over the ground.  Feeling completely clueless on how to process the pain now residing in my heart, or how to begin healing it, I was the perfect target for the energy vampire.

For years afterwards, I wondered how he even knew to reach out to me at that particular moment, when I was just starting to heal from the trauma of my separation from Twin.  And then it finally dawned on me, that because we were “friends” on Facebook, and in some of the same metaphysical type groups, he could see whenever I shared a post or asked a question in one of them.  I had no idea he was even there, lurking in the groups, trolling for vulnerable targets.  What a treat it must have been for him, to watch someone he already knew, reveal herself to be the perfect target.

Empaths like me can be ideal and easy prey for an energy vampire.  Especially if you’re already broken or overwhelmed, they can swoop in as a caring friend and earn trust more quickly than normal.  Empaths can feel the connection to that person and the desire to lean into it can be very compelling.

Having no understanding of the real dynamic between empaths and energy vampires, I couldn’t see that the whole relationship was one giant manipulation to feed his appetite for other people’s energy.   Energy vampires are a lot like drug addicts, always looking for that next score, that next high.  Except, instead of cocaine or heroin, they feed off creating uncertainty and imbalance in the energy of others.   The more uneasy they can make you feel, the easier you are to manipulate or control.  And, the more you bend to their will, the bigger the high for them.  I thought he was a friend; I had no idea what was going on until it was far too late.  By then it was over and he too, had gone in an instant with no explanation or discussion.

I struggled to understand what happened and was left feeling even more shattered than I’d been before he came.  The pieces of me seemed to be everywhere and nowhere at the same time and, it didn’t even register to me that I was supposed to be picking them up.  I continued to tumble back into the darkness I knew so well.  I had no clue how to put myself back together.  I knew I was falling into a much deeper despair than I’d ever before experienced.  The depression was intense, and the self-recrimination was worse.  I felt useless, and stupid for letting this happen, for letting someone get close to me again.  I felt worthless, and clearly unwanted, as now two people I cared about, people I trusted, both chose to disappear without a word.

When you’re down that deep in the darkness, it can feel impossible to remember the light, let alone muster the strength to reach for it.  I was caught between the pull of the pain, the desire to give up and leave this life, and a distant rumble, saying that somehow, I needed to stay; especially for my boys.  I did not want a choice I made to exit this lifetime, to become their story and derail them from their paths.  For months, I teetered on the edge of two worlds until finally, I prayed for a lifeline.  And when it arrived, I thought, “you have got to be kidding me.”  A person I hardly knew, who barely even knew I existed, and who sure as hell didn’t believe in any of the things I held to be true.  This was the lifeline?  This was the person to help me??

I was doomed.  We both were.

Or maybe, just maybe…. we weren’t.


photo credit: Jilbert Ebrahimi



On January 11th, the younger sister of my son’s best friend in the world, chose to end her life and in that moment, time. just. stopped. 

I have been missing in action. It’s been too long since my last post. I know.
I tell myself every day, “you have to sit down and write.” It’s even set as a daily reminder on my phone. 
Every day.
And yet… nothing happens. 

I am in overwhelm. I have been there for about a month. On January 11th, the younger sister of my son’s best friend in the world, chose to end her life and in that moment, time. just. stopped. 

A neighbor texted to ask if I knew what was going on because the previous night a police car had been parked in front of our friends’ home for hours. They are our backyard neighbors, so my son and
I walked over to make sure everything was okay. As we left our patio,
I could see people sitting by their pool. Not an unusual occurrence on a nice day in Florida but I could tell instantly that the energy felt off. Something was very wrong, but nothing could have prepared me for this new reality. The air fled from my lungs as I tried to process what
I’d been told. We hugged our friends tightly as they struggled to share more information, visibly willing themselves to say the most painful of words out loud. She was dead… she took her own life… It was suicide…
And as long as I live, I will never forget the anguish in her mother’s eyes as she looked into mine, pleading with me to somehow make this not be true.

We stayed with them for a long time, listening, hugging, breathing, still in total shock and when we finally came back home, I sat on my front porch and bawled. I cried big ugly, fat sobbing tears over the loss of this young woman and the little girl we’d known all her life. We shared the news with my older son and knew I would need to tell my parents as well. For close to two decades our families had shared birthdays, barbeques, New Year’s Eve parties, fireworks, hurricanes, dog sitting and more. There were more boo boos and band-aids than I can count (mostly Dylan’s) and “little sister” had been part of it all. So close in age to the boys, she was rarely seen as a tag-a-long but rather a full-fledged member of the crew. Whatever they were up to, she was there, and Dylan thought of her as his sister and friend.

It’s been little more than a month and she continues to occupy my thoughts on a daily basis. A smart, funny, beautiful, athletic girl, brought to the brink after one semester of college in this frustrating (among other things) time of Covid. I’m aware the heartbreak I feel in my personal grief journey, mourning a young woman I’ve known since she wore diapers, is nothing compared with the agony her parents, siblings and extended family are feeling and, as a medium
I believe there will be a time when I can help.  For now, none of us
are ready. I cannot be a good medium while still enmeshed in grief
of my own and mediumship is better utilized once the sharpness of death has been somewhat numbed by the passage of time.

Every day, I am grateful for our slightly unconventional lifestyle and
my nocturnal ways. The blessing of which was made very clear during this time as our home became an escape for Dylan’s “brother from another mother” where he could seek refuge at the end of the night. Our boys always know, the kids, their friends etc., are always welcome here. I’d much rather be the mom at the house where “everything happens” than the mom at home wondering what was going on and, when things went quiet across the yard, Dylan’s pal would come tromping this way. Some moments saw him pacing the floor, at others he was crashed out on the couch, and the inevitable tears enveloped promises to make his life mean something, for her.

We listened. We hugged him. fed him and created a haven where
he didn’t have to “be strong” for his family. He could just be. As night
after night saw our lights on well past 3am, I was so grateful for my unorthodox life so we could continue to be there for whatever and whenever was needed.

There is no one way to grieve and especially after these past two years, so many of us are just “grieved out.” We’ve lost friends to covid, to politics, fell out of touch during quarantine or working from home and we’re even grieving the “way things used to be,” before the pandemic changed the world. For many, this time has been a gift but, for so many of our young people, the pressure, loneliness and uncertainty have just been too much. And while they are technically adults, they simply do not have the life skills or wisdom that come with time and the lessons learned over decades of simply being alive on this planet.

We cannot continue to ignore the toll this is taking on our communities, and I implore you to stop and take a good look around. When Dylan was home with us during the original shut-down period, he was angry, lonely, bored and frustrated. Frankly, he was often a bear to be around, but we understood that his whole life, his plans, goals and what he believed to be possible was all just scooped out from under him and tossed to the side. But he was safe. He here and we could see him and know what was going on. And for whatever it was worth to him at the time, we were there to help. But now our kids are back at school and they’re on their own again, trying to figure out how to pick up where they left off, and they need our help.

Young people don’t have the same ability to shift gears when the world is screaming at them to PIVOT (yes, I hear Ross in my head as well.) They need to know they’re not alone, that someone cares and is listening. They need to know that asking for help is a sign of courage, NOT weakness and that even as adults, we may need help too.

Often, we are struggling with overwhelm long before we even identify that concept within ourselves. If you come to that place, where it all feels like too much, please, be kind to yourself. Step back from obligations or commitments if you can and ask for help. In my darkest days, I could not lean into this concept, that help was not weakness.
I felt a blinding certainty that I had to walk this path alone, that no one could be trusted and, I could not have been more wrong. In the years since, I have learned what true and enduring friendship looks like, what honesty and trust can feel like and that I was never walking my path alone at all. So many, alive and in spirit, have shown me that our community is stronger when we walk together with love and compassion.

Unfortunately, our twenty-somethings, in trying to prove themselves capable in the world, are too often missing out on this lesson and if
I could share this knowledge, and save them a walk through the darkness, I would shout it from the rooftops but, none of us can do
it alone.

As my older son Eli is fond of saying, “you can’t raise me to be an independent free-thinking adult and then fuss at me when I act like
it” and, as infuriating as it is when he says it, he’s right. The trouble
is, they’re constantly bombarded with propaganda telling them what they’re doing, thinking or being is wrong.  They are the next generation, the future leaders of our communities and our nation
and they need to know we’ve got their back. Frankly, they deserve nothing less and so much more.

And in states like Florida, Texas, Nebraska and others, where legislators continue to push through bills aimed at curtailing what our kids can read or think or who they choose to be, young people need our support now more than ever before. Real support, that listens, that cares and reminds them they are not alone. Support that shows them that who and what they want to be is not wrong and that they are loved No Matter What.

If you know a young person in trouble, please talk to them, encourage them to open up and share what’s going on. They can also text TALK to 741741 any time of the day or night and get help.  If you are the parent of a 15-24-year-old, look into their eyes and genuinely ask, “how are you doing?”

If you know parents of young adults, ask them too. And then listen, quietly, without judgement or “fixing.” Just Listen. Too many people
are living in “overwhelm” and, while we may not be able to fix any or all, coming together to share the journey can make a world of difference. Knowing we are not “in it” alone can be the opening for someone to seek the help that’s needed. Depression and anxiety thrive in the dark, shrouded in shame, and we do well to shine the light of love and compassion in every direction we can. 

If you enjoyed this post, please consider following me on Medium as well.

What happens when you ASK…

My boys with Kasey Keller

How Did You Do That??
I ASKED!  Seems simple enough right? 
Yet so often we forget how powerful we truly are.

I do my best to live in gratitude every day and, most days I think, I do a pretty good job.  Most days I would tell you my life is wonderful, and I am incredibly blessed.  But even in that, there are still some days that stand head and shoulders above the rest.  This day, this day, is up there with the day my husband and I got married and when our kids were born because, this is the story of how my son met the great soccer goalkeeper, Kasey Keller.  This was the day my son met his idol, and I was changed forever!

When we decided to move to Orlando, after more than a decade in LA, our six and three-year-old boys shared with us their “terms.”  They had conditions for coming along with us! (Yes, I get it but, it was so cute how serious they were).  They wanted a house with a pool (check), a dog (many checks), and to play soccer (also many checks).  Clearly, they knew what they were talking about since they both went on to play ball in college.  And like most sports fans, they both had their favorite players.  Dylan adored many soccer stars, though Spain’s Carles Puyol was usually at the top of his list but for Eli, it was and always will be the great American goalkeeper, Kasey Keller.

Kasey was legend in the world of soccer and was the first American goalkeeper to genuinely succeed in Europe, paving the way for guys like Tim Howard and Brad Guzan. Yet when a successful international player, especially an American, announced he was “coming home” to play in the MLS, retirement usually wasn’t far behind.  So, when Kasey announced, after a stellar career in England and Germany, that he was returning to his beloved Seattle Sounders, I knew I had to find a way for my son to meet him!

We’d seen the US Men’s National Team play numerous times and we’d seen Kasey, Tim and so many others play. Those events, though great fun, were always a zoo with no chance of player interaction.  Some MLS teams though, did make their players available to meet with fans after the games, so I figured it might be possible.  The real problem was, we lived in Florida, which at that time had exactly zero MLS teams, and Kasey was going to play in Seattle.  How in the heck was I going to make this happen??

By this time in my life, I thankfully understood the power of gratitude and the way the Universe constantly worked to help us manifest and create the life we want.  I just had never put the Universe to so specific a task. Eli and I didn’t always have the best relationship in those days and the idea of doing this for him filled my heart with joy.  Not sure what to do first, I put the question out there during a morning meditation. 

“Check the schedule.” I heard it loud and clear as I thought to myself, “Duh, that makes sense.”  Still, in those days neither Florida nor Georgia had an MLS team, so anywhere we could go would likely mean plane tickets.  I looked at the schedule, the Sounders were scheduled to play the Houston Dynamo IN Houston in July.  I am almost always in Dallas in July for Seminar, Mary Kay’s annual convention, but really, what were the odds the dates would line up?

I checked my calendar and tears filled my eyes; the Sounders/Dynamo game was set for just two days after Seminar finished. Holy shit could this really work?!

In a complete leap of faith, we purchased four tickets to the game. 

Since moving to Florida, we’d been driving to Dallas for Seminar.  The drive was always enjoyable, my Pink Cadillac had plenty of room and we loved spending the night at a gorgeous B&B just north of New Orleans.  We loved having a night just for us before entering the excitement and throng of the Mary Kay world and we’d been there so often; we became friends with the owners.  

The plan was to fly the kids to Dallas on the last day of Seminar.  I would finish my obligations while Rob picked them up at the airport.  It was a unique opportunity to introduce them to some of my friends and mentors, plus there’s a Six Flags Park in Dallas and we love roller coasters so filling the day between my conference and the Houston game would be easy.  I just needed to get my parents on board since they stayed at the house when we were away.

Thankfully they thought this was all terrific and handed over the information we needed to get them gate passes to take the boys through security and onto the plane, since I knew there was no way she’d let them go by themselves.

I could hardly believe how everything was falling into place!

Of course, I could, I just couldn’t stop grinning.  Knowing this last part was the biggest leap of faith of all, I sent a letter to Kasey Keller at the Sounders main office. I explained all about my son, the talented young goalkeeper who idolized him and how we’d already purchased tickets to see him play in Houston.  If he would be willing to give just a few moments of time to a young player, we’d be incredibly grateful.

It was time to tell Eli what was going on.  I showed him a copy of the letter and, watching his face as he began to understand what we were doing, was truly one of the happiest moments of my life!  I told him I didn’t know what would happen but at the very least, we were going to ride some new rollercoasters and enjoy the game.  The next week I got a call from a sweet young woman who worked for the Sounders.  Since this wasn’t a home game there wasn’t much she could do but, she put me in touch with her counterpart at the Dynamo, AND she sent a box of Sounders swag for the boys as well, including blankets with sleeves and the loudest cowbells you’ve ever heard!

Not sure what to expect, I reached out to Patrick the following day.  He was the supporter liaison for the Houston Dynamo, and his job was to keep their fans happy. However, we didn’t live in Houston and, we were coming there to root against them, so I wasn’t sure how much he’d be willing to help.  I told him the whole story and asked if there was anything he could do since we were coming all this way in the hope our son would be able to meet Kasey. It all depended on him! He was very nice and said he would see what he could do. I thanked him and agreed to be in touch closer to the time of our trip.

Finally, it was July! Rob and I had a great time in Dallas for MK Seminar and on the last day my parents got the kids on the plane and on their way to us. We spent the next day at Six Flags, riding every coaster in the place and then it was on to Houston!

Patrick directed us to meet him well before the game and, as excited as we were, none of us were prepared for what was about to happen.  After presenting us with VIP passes, he led us over to where a bus was just pulling in and we stood there, mouths open, and watched the entire Sounders team arrive and file past us! Patrick walked us down to the field to look around and we watched quietly, as Kasey came out and went through his warm-up, with us no more than 20 feet away!

It was time to find our seats. You know those advertising boards that go around soccer fields? We were sitting directly behind them! Positioned between the field and walkway, we were a tiny teal anomaly in an ocean of orange, and Every Sounders Player high fived my boys as they walked past us to their side of the field. Even the late, great Sigi Schmid, admiring our homemade “Let’s Go Sounders” posters said, “Nice signs” as he high fived his way past. The game hadn’t even started, and my kids were on Cloud Nine!

The Sounders lost the game, due to some defensive mistakes and I’m sure the boys learned some new curse words thanks to Kasey as well. Eli just smiled and smiled.  Patrick, having left us at our seats before the start of the game, returned towards the end of the game, carrying two bright orange cinch-sacks stuffed full of Dynamo swag!  There were bobble-heads, souvenir balls, t-shirts and more and he looked as delighted as the boys as he handed one to each kid.  “I know you’re true Sounders fans” he said, “but maybe, if they’re not playing against us, this will help you become Dynamo fans as well.”  It was such a classy thing to do, and I wanted to hug him right then and there for making this a day our kids would never forget. But he wasn’t done yet!

We watched the players make their way off the pitch and the fans file out of the stadium.  Kasey was one of the last and we stood, rooted to our spot, as he walked straight over to us and said, “Sup, you must be Eli.” and shook hands with all of us. 
I thought Eli was going to pass out!  “I’ve got to go shower and do some stuff, so I’ll meet you up there in a few” he said and walked off towards the locker rooms.

Once Eli could feel his legs, we walked up to the locker rooms and waited. Through the open door, we could see players milling around and Kasey speaking to reporters.  As each Sounder player came out, they acknowledged the boys, posed for pictures, and signed their posters, Every Single One!  Most even took a minute to ask where they were from and what positions they played. Nate Jaqua, Fredy Montero, Steve Zakuani, Brad Evans, Levesque, Fucito, Ianni, ALL of them!  It was incredible! And then, he came!  After apologizing for taking so long, the Kasey Keller stood and spoke with us for another twenty minutes (and even invited us back to the hotel for drinks!).  He asked about our trip, clearly touched we had gone to so much effort to be there.  He spoke with Eli for a long time, sharing great wisdom and advice until it was time for him to go. We took more pictures, shook hands, and went our separate ways, profusely thanking both Patrick and the Sounders liaison who’d both gone so far above what we ever could have hoped for!

To their credit the boys held it together until we got back to the hotel.  The second that door clicked shut they literally lost their shit!  They were jumping on the beds, screaming, yelling, and finally collapsing with sheer delight!  We knew they’d never get to sleep so we took them upstairs to the rooftop pool where Rob and I each took a kid and let them gush into decompression.

A few of the other pool goers had also been at the game.  “Hey, you were at the Dynamo game, we saw you!  You had great seats; you were even talking to the players! Do you know them?”

“No” I replied. 

“How did you do that?  We would have loved to meet the players!”  I thought for a minute before answering and smiled as I gave the only response I could; “I asked!”

It’s a lesson that serves me well to this day, and has become something of a motto for our family as well: “You never know what might happen but, if you don’t ask the answer is no so you might as well ask!”

Are YOU Ready??

Are YOU Ready To Become An Empowered Empath??

Have you ever walked into a room and just knew something was off? 
Do people call you overly emotional or even overly dramatic?
Are there times when you feel you just can’t get a grip on your emotions or energy? 
You may be an Empath!  

Now, before you go all doom and gloom, hear me out.
Being an Empath does NOT have to be a burden. I know it can often feel like that, believe me I get it! I have been there! 

With training, strategies and tools, You CAN learn to become an Empowered Empath! You may even learn to see being an Empath as a Blessing! 

Join me on a journey of exploration and get to know yourself better.
Learn to become stronger and more energetically aware. The more capable you are of understanding HOW you receive energy, the better equipped you will be to become an Empowered Empath. 

Filled with exercises and journaling opportunities, over the course of these eight modules, you’ll learn which of your senses is the strongest and how to protect yourself from unwanted energy.  As you strengthen your awareness of what’s going on around you, you’ll enhance your ability to filter information and to discern what is and isn’t yours.  

Learn to buffer yourself and release energies which don’t belong to you and most importantly, how to avoid people and situations which may be harmful to you and your energy. 

Join me on this journey as we work together to help you
Become An Empowered Empath.

Your journey includes: 

Module 1 – Are You An Empath?
Welcome – Introduction
Are You An Empath?
Self-Assessment Questions
Why Does Energy Affects Us So Much?
Masaru Emoto’s Water Experiments
Energetic Awareness Journaling 

Module 2 – Understanding How We Receive Energy
Emotional and Physical Empaths
Emotional Awareness Journaling
How Do You Receive Energy?
Understanding The Clairs
With Which Clair Do You Resonate Most Strongly? 

Module 3 – Strengthening Your Clairs
Learning to strengthen Your Clairs
Building Your Clairsentience
Building Your Claircognizance
Building Your Clairaudience
Building Your Clairvoyance
Strengthening My Clairs Tracking Sheet 

Module 4 – Understanding The Chakras
Getting To Know The Chakras
Chakra Chart
Chakras Out Of Balance
More Than Seven Chakras
Energetic Awareness Journaling
Energy Ball Exercise 

Module 5 – Working With Energy
Sending And Receiving
Energy Or Emotion
Shielding & Blocking Energy
Working With Crystals
Zapping Unwanted Energies
Building Your Bubble Of Protection
Using Tools To Strengthen My Energy 

Module 6 – Strengthening & Protecting Your Energy
Get To Know The Angels
Get To Know Your Guides
Other Tools You Can Use
Strengthening Your Own Energy
Energy Vampires & Narcissists
Identifying Energy Drains
Psychometry & Narcissists
Energy Vampires, Thoughtforms & Suckers
Using Body Scans
Scan & Strengthen Your Energy Field
Love Them Away And Let Go 

Module 7 – Clearing & Grounding
Clearing & Grounding Our Own Energy
Getting Grounded
Clearing & Grounding with Salt, Incense and More
Touch The Trees
Cut The Cord
Balancing Your Chakras 

Module 8 – Being An Empowered Empath In Real Life
Put Your Tools To Use
Emotional Awareness Journaling
A Year In Pixels
Ask The Three Questions
Understanding The Three Questions
Prayers For Going Forward 

PLUS, A Live Zoom Call With ME!


Got Questions? Just Ask!!

When Your Best Friend Is An Energy Vampire

Cold as it may seem, at that point, all I was able to muster was a text message.
I simply had enough.

Do boundaries go out the window in case of emergency? 
It’s a question each of us has to answer for ourselves and for me, the answer was no. 

Her mother had had a significant heart attack but by that time, I just couldn’t open myself up anymore. 

We’d been friends for years, practically our whole lives, but the constant judgement, always being in the wrong and in the end, finally understanding I could not trust her with anything, forced me to walk away.

I love her mother, she’d been like a second mother to me as well yet, I knew if I opened that door even the littlest bit, I’d be sucked right back into all the rest of the drama and I just couldn’t do it.  The bullsh*t had been going on for years, and in that time, I’d worked diligently release my anger and to separate myself from all of it.  After all the crap she pulled, I was just done and that’s how it had to be.  Still, it breaks my heart…

She hates me and feels I abandoned her in their time of greatest need.  This is not in my nature but it’s also an easy entre for energy vampires to manipulate and exert control.  As an Empath, I am always the person trying to help, to save, rescue etc. No man left behind, right?   But not when it’s detrimental to your mental health, physical wellbeing, or damaging to other relationships around you.  The swirl of emotions (anger, sadness, betrayal, loss, guilt…) were crushing me and I had to draw a line.

Yeah, I said guilt.  Even after all the times she let me down, lied to me or accused me of not doing things the way she thought I should, I still felt guilt about walking away. 

Now she hates me.  I can’t change that and, even though her daughters likely hate me too, I will always love them, and they will always be my nieces.  They’ll never know the truth and really, I wouldn’t tell them even if they asked.  How do you even explain to someone that their mother is a passive aggressive energy vampire?

Nothing has ever been her fault; she’s always played the victim and to say anything else would be a complete waste of breath.  It was the same with her brother.  Suffering complete emotional exhaustion, he and his children came to live in my home.  He bled me dry financially, lied to my face and trashed my septic system (which we’re still trying to fix).  And when I finally said they had to leave, he told everyone I’d kicked them out of my house. It was the truth but somehow, he always neglected to mention that we’d let them live here rent free, for close to a year.  And any time I asked him to kick in money (once he had a job, which we helped him to get) because now I was supporting a family of seven, he would look at me like I was speaking Swahili, and nothing ever changed. 

My “best friend” is an energy vampire.  It took me a long time to see it, much longer than it probably should have but there’s something about the people we grow up with and those childhood memories I guess, that can keep us blinded to the truth.

Hugely possessive of me and my time. everyone in any group conversation knew we were “best friends.”  If there were perks to be gained from my work,
it was an affront if I did not share the inside scoop, free stuff, dream interpretations or free readings for anyone she knew.  You know the drill; the “I’m sure you won’t mind interpreting this dream for my neighbor’s sister’s cousin?” Right?  It went on and on… 

But it didn’t go both ways and boundaries were never respected.  We went back “too far” for that, she’d remind me.  Commitments were conveniently forgotten, reminders met with fury and whatever it was, I was always wrong.  There was entitlement and judgement when I didn’t handle something the way she felt I should, and there was rage.  Again, and again, there would be rage when I did not conform to the rules she dictated.  But, childhood, and roller skates I thought…  

Time went on, her mother fell and broke her hip but, when I returned her call letting me know, my voicemail went unanswered.  Eventually, I did speak with her mom and was glad to know she would be ok.  More time passed and I called to check in, only to be disconnected after saying hello.  Silly me, I
thought maybe she dropped her phone but, when I called back it went
straight to voicemail.  In another attempt, while driving home from a weeklong seminar where, among other things, the importance of reconciliation was mentioned (a lot), I called again.  Voicemail.  Though I did eventually get a text saying I was “welcome to call again if I wanted.”  I had explained it was a 10-hour road trip and I would be in the car with plenty of time to talk. 
Of course, I heard nothing. 

In my mind we were done, there was nothing more to say, unless you counted the almost daily posts on Facebook, talking about “real friends” and what “true friendship” meant.  And then her mother had a heart attack and I was supposed to forget everything that happened over the last several years and stand in place as the dutiful friend. 

Cold as it may seem, at that point, all I was able to muster was a text message.
I simply had enough.  Through this same passing of years, especially with the loss of my Twin(flame) and other significant events, I was shown over and over, what true friendship looks like, and this just wasn’t it.  I am an empath, a “feeler” and, we tend to move very slowly when excising someone from our lives, whereas a “thinker” or someone who is not empathic, is often quite quick to cut a cord.  And while it’s true we had been friends for decades, and been through so much, I knew nothing was ever going to change.  It really hit home for me when, on more than one occasion, someone pointed out that I would never let anyone treat me the way she did.  That hit me like a slap right across the face and was the wakeup call I needed. 

It was time for a change, but I couldn’t just call up and say, “See ya!” and I did not want to deal with the drama guaranteed to be part of exiting this relationship.  I had to set a boundary and it needed to be strong.  I texted my thoughts and prayers about her mother’s heart condition, added her to my prayer list and then, I waited.  Until there it was, another shitty message.  Another argument blaming me for everything, and I chose not to answer the phone.  I held my ground.  I sent a voice message so she could hopefully hear my love for all of them, but I just could not bring myself do any more.  She railed against me, accusing me of trashing our friendship and I will admit, that one hurt, a lot.  I understood where she was coming from but, it still didn’t change anything, I will always love her, her girls and her mother but, I teach people every day to love the toxic people in their lives, “way the F over there” and it was time to take my own advice. 

I had no desire to hold on to the anger or nurture any hatred for how our friendship had devolved and I worked hard to release it.  Time and again, I had extended myself to her whole family and had my hand slapped away by all of them.  But holding on to the negative emotions was only going to punish me, so I let go.  I let go of all of it.  I thanked the Universe for the good parts and all the wonderful memories we’d shared.  Even knowing I did not want her back in my life, until her mother’s heart attack, a part of me still held the door open for her, but no more.

Setting new boundaries where they never have been, can be one of the toughest things to defend in the mind.  We’re so programmed that this person is “supposed” to be here or it has “always been this way” and my favorite; “it’s never going to change so why bother?”

To me, “it’s never going to change” is exactly WHY we need to stand strong and set our boundaries! If they won’t change then the only one who can change the situation is ME.  I must be willing (and strong enough) to stand up for me because if I won’t stand up for myself, how can I ever expect others to do so? 
It wasn’t easy and a lot of times it didn’t feel good but, I put up my wall and I stood behind it.  Drama and anger may reign on the other side, but here on my side, it’s a beautiful sunny day and I’m enjoying the peace immensely.  I have no ill will.  I wish only the most wonderful things for all of them, as long as it’s on the other side of my wall. 

What about you?  Is there a toxic relationship you’ve been tolerating for far too long because, “that’s just the way it is?” 

I’ve got some spare bricks, if you need them, just ask. 

Letting Go…

I sat there, looking at the text on my phone, and thought to myself, “One of us has to let go before someone literally gets killed…”

We had been friends for years, dated in the 90’s and, as is my habit, Actor and I stayed friends long after that part of our relationship was over.  For all the years I lived in LA, he’d been in New York City or Minneapolis and now that I moved to Florida, he’d relocated 
to LA.

I was always grateful for the effort made to remain in each other’s lives and happily, my work (pre-Covid-19) took me back to LA on a regular basis.  We hadn’t been face-to-face in more than a decade and when he finally decided
to make the move West, he landed right in my old neighborhood.  I delighted
in taking him around to my favorite places while we looked at apartments, shopped for furniture and had a wonderful time catching up.

In the interim, he was staying with a quasi-ex-girlfriend, enjoying free rent, and walking her dog.  I knew she was curious about our decades-long friendship but, even when they’d dated back in Minnesota, everything about her told me she was not to be trusted.  A feeling that proved to be accurate when she showed up, clearly on a date of her own, at the place where we’d just finished dinner, only to fall all over him in some odd mix of possessiveness and desire to see what I was all about.  Choosing not to play along, I excused myself and went outside to return a phone call.  And as I stood there, I wondered just how far her manipulations would go.

I generally went back to LA every six to eight months and, as I made plans, Actor and I would always include a time to connect.  We’d grab dinner, sometimes lunch and spend time catching up on whatever was going on in our lives.  Though he’d moved into his apartment, I knew he was still in regular contact with the ex-girlfriend/roommate.  It didn’t matter to me, that was his life and his business.  Until one day, right before we were meant to meet for lunch, he texted.

The upstairs neighbor had been hassling her and he needed to go over and “look intimidating” until the landlord got there to sort everything out.  At 6’6″
it was an easy thing for him to do, and certainly something any ex-boyfriend, or even just a friend, would do for a single woman living alone.  At least I hope so.  He apologized for cancelling and said maybe we could meet up later in the day.  I knew that was unlikely. 

To my understanding, their breakup had been more his decision than hers and
I figured that once she had him there, she’d do all she could to keep him busy, especially knowing I was in town.  And that was it.  I finished my work; my trip was over, and I was heading back to Orlando.  We would try again the next time I was out, which as it turned out, was just a few months away.

I was back in town for a Mary Kay conference and added on a few extra days to work with my clients and consultants.  I am still a Director with the company, even as I am consistently booked as a psychic medium.  It’s a delicate balance, what can I say?  

Actor and I had a lovely dinner at a hip downtown restaurant after which, we went for a walk and I showed him the beautiful LA Library and the building where I worked many years ago. 
Everything seemed fine and we decided to meet for lunch at my favorite Chinese/Thai fusion place before I left town the following evening.

The next day, there it was, the text I knew was coming.  Some “drama” with the ex, he needed to go to the rescue, you get the idea.  And I remember thinking to myself, “at least her excuses are getting more interesting.” 

By the time my next trip came around, we’d made a plan for lunch, but I already knew better than to get my hopes up.  This time though, was different.  In my mind, I had already been mulling over the question, “how much does the Universe have a hand in keeping us apart, and why?” 

We’d been friends for more than twenty-five years and lived on opposite coasts of the country for most of it.  Only now were we in a position to enjoy a semi-annual meal and visit.  I hadn’t thought much about it but as time had gone by, her ploys for his attention when I was in town, were getting more desperate and I had to ask myself if something more was going on. 

The apartment upstairs had a leak.  It was completely flooded, and water was pouring down into the walls of her living room.  They were swelling with water causing the outlets to spark and, they’d cut the power while rushing to move anything valuable, or at least not waterproof, to higher ground.  As I listened to his voicemail explaining the situation, I thought.  “This needs to stop before someone gets killed.  One of us has to let go.”  I had no ill will towards her, I didn’t even know her.  But it seemed clear that each time I was in town, some dreadful drama would befall her, and he would inevitably be called in to play hero.  I get it, I just didn’t want to be part of it because, the way things were going, next time someone was going to get hurt. 
I had to ask myself, “Is this drama even worth it?”

With all my heart, I believe in the power of the Universe.  I trust the Universe,
my guides, angels and loved ones in spirit, completely and, I KNOW they have my back in all things.  I also know that when we choose to ignore those smaller signs they send, those quieter warnings will get louder, ultimately resulting in what I affectionately call The Cosmic Bitch Slap.  The Universe tries to tell us. 
It’s up to us whether or not we listen.

Clearly the Universe was trying to get my attention!  I had seen the signs and it was time to listen.  I knew it wasn’t a coincidence he moved to LA not long after we left to move back East.  But not until then did the rumblings begin to get louder.  The truth was, we were both in different places now and the things we needed from each other were no longer the same.  I also knew it felt comfortable and safe for each of us to have the other to fall back on when we needed a friendly voice or advice.  But now it was time to move on.  I didn’t return the call.  I didn’t text back.  I finished my trip and got on the plane back to Orlando.  There just wasn’t anything more to say. 

My next trips to town were drama-free and just as productive and enjoyable.  Change can be scary.  It’s hard to let go and, so often we prefer to hold on to what’s familiar rather than move on and allow change to happen.  Even if what we’re holding on to is leaking water into the electrical outlets!  The Universe really does have our back and is always trying to move us in a better direction.  That doesn’t mean it’s easy, too often it’s not easy at all.  I was sad, mad, hurt and angry but, I also understood it was the right thing to do.  Just to be clear, knowing that didn’t necessarily make it easier either.  I love my friend; I will always love him and want only the best for him.

Recently I heard he had left LA and is living down towards San Diego with the “love of his life.”  I couldn’t be happier for both of them.  In all the time we were friends, I never heard him use that term, or speak that way about a woman he dated.  His feelings for her were stronger than any he’d expressed to me in a long time and while he had mentioned her to me before, there always seemed to be some reason they couldn’t be together.  Isn’t it interesting how they figured it out, after we cut the cords between us?

I thought so too.

Jeremy Beremy

“Because you are alive, everything is possible.”  

I love this quote from Thich Nhat Hanh, it is so beautiful and has so much power in it, especially when viewed in the positive.  It says, “You are still here, anything can happen!”  

The idea that it can also be viewed in the negative hit home for me recently, when a lifelong friend succumbed to a seven-year battle with cancer.  CANCER SUCKS!  But it got me thinking, if he is no longer here in the physical, does that mean nothing else is possible for him?  As a medium, I know this is not the case, and yet too often, when we lose someone we love, the mental chatter goes like this; “I should have…  I meant to…
If I had only…” except now we feel like it’s too late because the person is no longer here. 

We can do a great job of beating ourselves up over things we think we could or should have done.  Over time those “If Only’s” can exact quite a toll, when really all of that is just another lie we may be telling ourselves.

Our loved ones can see and hear what we share with them so, if there’s something you want to say to them, just say it.  I promise you they will hear it.  Things are still possible for them, even new things.  When my Twin passed to spirit, I was devastated.  I was also fascinated, as I watched him learning to communicate with me, the different ways we can connect, and the truth is we are both still figuring it out.  His soul is alive, and things are still possible.  Different yes, but still possible. 

And you, you are still alive.  Because you are alive, everything is still possible!!  
You are not lost; you are not on the wrong path and you didn’t miss your window.

Ok yes, perhaps it is a bit unlikely you will play point guard for the LA Lakers, as a member of the team.  But what if you could play point guard for just a few minutes as part of a charity fund raiser because you won the opportunity to play??  Because you are alive, ANYTHING is possible.

I know you’re thinking, “Like that’s really ever going to happen,,.” and I hear you. 
Maybe it does and maybe it doesn’t but here’s the thing, if you were really meant to play point guard, or whatever is your true purpose is, here on this planet, I promise you, you haven’t missed the boat and it’s not too late.  Unless of course, you choose not to engage, not to bid on that opportunity to take the court at the Staples Center with the Lakers, or buy that raffle ticket…  As long as you are alive, there is always an opportunity to hear the call of the Universe on your heart.  What you do after that, however, is fully up to you.

Let me back up here a minute because I’ve recently been enjoying a new (to me) podcast called Unobscured on iHeartRadio.  The Spiritualist Church where I often attend events, mentioned it in one of their newsletters and I love a good podcast.  Unobscured’s second season was all about the birth of the Spiritualist movement and the rise of mediumship in this country so, they pretty much had me at hello.

Spiritualism began in upstate New York, in Hydesville, where the Fox Sisters famously heard a series of rapping noises in their home and eventually learned to communicate with the spirit making the noises.  The girls learned to communicate with other spirits, in a variety of different ways and, in the mid-to-late 1800s, the notion of getting messages from beyond the grave took our young nation by storm.

As a medium, I have studied Spiritualism, not extensively but I know the history, the stories, etc.  What I didn’t know, until listening to this podcast, was how close Hydesville is to Rochester.  Over and over, they mentioned the growth of Spiritualism in Rochester and people going back and forth between the two hamlets.  A quick glance at Google maps shows there’s barely thirty miles between the two.  Even in the 1800s that wasn’t an unheard-of trek.

You’re wondering why this is important, right?  

As a graduating high school senior in South Florida, I literally applied to, and was accepted by, one school: the University of Rochester.  Nestled between the Genesee River and Mt. Hope Cemetery, where Susan B. Anthony is buried and where, on any given day, you could walk by (or through) the cemetery to get to class.

I always believed in the continuity of the soul, but back then I had no idea there was a movement, let alone a whole religion centered around that very idea.  I still wasn’t in the habit of telling people about my abilities so it’s not really a surprise I never heard about Rochester’s ties to Spiritualism.  This is where it started, in upstate New York.  It’s also where, the quietly murmuring psychic abilities I’d lived with all my life suddenly started blaring like a car horn playing La Cucaracha!  My mom’s car actually did that for a while so believe me when I say, you’d notice!

During the Fall of my second year in Rochester, something shifted inside me and I became acutely aware of everything going on around me.  I knew what people were going to say before they said it, who was at the door or on the phone and things that were going to happen before they did. I knew it all, I just had no idea how to handle any of it. 

My breaking point came when I knew my friend Rob* was going to be injured in the next day’s football game.  He was excited to play in his first college game and invited me to come and watch.  I wanted to support him but couldn’t bear the thought of sitting there, waiting for him to get hurt and I definitely couldn’t tell him what I thought I knew.  What if I was wrong?  I didn’t want to compromise his ability to play his best or to enjoy his time in the game.  He likely wouldn’t have believed me anyway.  I watched from the hill overlooking the stadium and when I went to down to the field after the game, there he was, on crutches.  He had suffered a high ankle sprain and would be sidelined for a few weeks. 

I felt terrible!  I couldn’t sleep or eat, and my stress levels were off the chart.  That was it!  I’d been trying for weeks, to regain control over my brain and, in a last-ditch effort, I asked my guides to take it all away and close the doors.  Seriously, just take your ball and go.  I didn’t want to play anymore!  And that night, I slept soundly for what felt like the first time in a year.

People always asked me, “how does a girl from South Florida, end up in Rochester, New York?” I told them I liked the weather.  If you’ve ever been to upstate NY in the winter, you’ll know how hilarious that is but, the complete absence of humidity was definitely a plus, especially for a girl with curly hair.  There were a lot of reasons I picked the school, I already had friends there, the dance department, the women’s soccer team…  Apparently, there was still one more reason which I never understood until listening to the Unobscured podcast.  I don’t believe in coincidence, I never have.  I believe everything happens for a reason, even if we can’t understand it in the moment.  My guides had led me to Rochester to connect me to a bigger picture of who I am and what I was here to do.  I just wasn’t ready to listen.

After college I spent two years living in Portland, Maine and when I was offered a job at the prestigious Williamstown Theatre Festival, my friend Marilee (quite literally) threatened to hit me with a stick if I didn’t take it so, off I went.  Hosted in the summers, on the campus of Williams College in Williamstown, Massachusetts, it is ten minutes from North Adams and just over an hour to Northampton, both hotbeds of activity during the early years of Spiritualism in this country.  Seances were becoming commonplace and most evenings you could find a medium holding court in the parlor of the more prominent homes in either town.  

Once again, my guides had led me to a place where I could tune into my abilities and come to understand the truth of who I was but, I still wasn’t ready.  I did meet my husband at Williamstown though, so at least they were able to check that one off their list.

Looking back, I can see time after time in my life, where my guides were trying to show me, to place me in situations where I could reopen my spiritual eyes and choose to see again.  I am grateful they never stopped trying and when I was finally ready, they were still right there to support me. 

Wherever you are on your journey, I promise you will end up right where you are supposed to be.  I love the explanation of time Ted Danson’s character shares during one episode of The Good Place.  He says time is like Jeremy Beremy written in scrawling cursive letters.  You remember cursive, right?  The letters swoop around and loop back on themselves time and again, even as they continue to move forward, until eventually you reach the end, the destination.  We have so many opportunities to come back around, to go back or to try again and, if we miss something we were “supposed” to do or see before, if we are willing, we’ll likely have another chance when we loop around again.  Because you are alive, everything is possible, remember?  It’s almost like, all things really do work together for good…  hmm, what do you know about that?

*not my husband


What’s In A Name?

The sky was a brilliant blue as we drove through Dillon, Colorado to the ice castle. But having arrived, we decided it was more kitch than cool and we’d rather find some place to play in the snow. We were in Denver for a family gathering and decided to take our “Florida boys” up into the mountains. They were both born in LA, but were young when we left and mostly remember people rather than places we went. Eli had relatively mild winters while living in Saint Louis for college and up to this point, I didn’t think either of our boys had ever had a “real” winter or snow experience.

We decided to skip the overpriced, oddly colored ice castle and explore the town instead. A sign for the local amphitheater caught our attention so we went to check it out. Since this was January in the Rocky Mountains, we figured at the very least, it would be a big open space filled with snow. It turned out to be so much more!

The theater sat beside a beautiful lake and I am certain the view is gorgeous in Spring. This day it was frozen solid, and the stark view was simply stunning. We walked, or rather slid down the snow-covered stairs and out to the main area of the performance space where the boys instantly broke into a snowball fight. They were merciless and it was wonderful to see them having so much fun! We made snow angels, well… my younger son and I made snow angels while his brother derided us for being lame. What can you do?

When they were finally finished, we walked out onto the lake. I knew they’d never seen or done anything like that before and, aside from our footsteps and giggles, it was silent and serene. Naturally, they were bored in about five minutes.

Eventually, wet, and frozen, we made our way back to the car. My faux Uggs having little to no traction on the stairs, I slipped and twisted my knee. At the time I figured it was just a strain or pull and put it out of my mind. With enough Motrin, you can ignore anything, right?

I iced, I stretched, I took Ibuprofen and even had my husband do healing work on me. It wasn’t enough. I was getting better, though I knew whatever it was, it was not fully mending, and I needed to see the orthopedist. My dad is a DO and I’m no stranger to doctors but at this point in my life, I consider them a last resort. By this time though, practically everyone in my family had been treated by Dr. Matt for something so I guess it was my turn. I wasn’t surprised when he suggested I had a torn meniscus and sent me for an MRI. If he was right, there would be surgery in my future and that prospect did not appeal to me at all.

Weeks passed and I did nothing. I had the MRI and still did nothing. Finally, I had enough and called Matt’s practice to make an appointment. We changed insurance at the start of the year and made sure to pick a plan his office accepted, except now, in the new year, they didn’t. Shit.

I came out of my office on the verge of tears and sat down on the couch. Now I had to find another doctor, one I’d like and trust. Great…

All things work together for good. I remind myself of this every single day. Especially when I hit bumps in my road, I stop and remind myself, “the Universe is working something out for me, be patient.” As much as I hate it when things don’t go the way I want them to, the truth is they usually work out better if I just hush and stay out of the way so, I started asking around for a new doctor.

In less than a day I had a list of doctors who took our insurance, and at the top was a guy from my hometown. He was a little older than me though we knew all the same places and even some of the same people. I liked his background, where he went to school and that his practice was doctor owned. He was my guy, and even better, he could see me that week. During my appointment we talked about where we grew up, sports teams, and my knees. An hour later, I walked out the door, scheduled for surgery the following week. The whole thing could not have been easier or smoother. Thank you Universe!

However, the Universe forgot to tell my new insurance company I was waiting for surgery. Three times I was scheduled for knee surgery and three times I was pushed back because the insurance company hadn’t yet provided the authorization. Bonus: I got three free Covid tests.

Conventional wisdom says that everyone who put off elective surgery in 2020, due to the pandemic, was now rushing forward to get their insurance authorizations, and my provider at least, was completely inundated. While I was frustrated, I also realized that my original dates were during the two weeks preceding Mercury Retrograde, which is largely understood to be a bad time to do anything major; buy a house, get married, have surgery… My bad.

Finally, the day arrived. The insurance was authorized, my (third) Covid test was negative and my amazing girlfriends had loaded me up with a Get Well Soon gift box including grippy socks and The Most fabulous super soft, fluffy blanket to take with me to the surgical center. Because of the pandemic, I had to do this by myself and no one could come in with me. My husband dropped me at the door and until he came back to pick me up, I was on my own.

All through the weeks of waiting, I’d been asking my Twin to be with me. I haven’t had surgery, or really anything medical (gratefully so) since my younger son was born, and he’s twenty now! “Please be with me through this process” I repeated to myself again and again.

Since he’s in spirit now, I didn’t think it was too much to ask. Sitting alone in the waiting room, I listened to music on my phone, music he had recorded for me. I’ll never be able to talk with him again but every day I am grateful to still hear his voice in the music he made, just for me. As I listened, I was genuinely surprised how calm I felt.

“Shari…” a voice called from behind me. A kind looking man with peachy skin stood holding the door. As I walked towards him, he said, “Hi, I’m Joe*. I’ll be taking care of getting you settled in and ready for surgery today.”

“I’m sorry, what did you say?” I asked, dumbstruck.

As I followed him down the hall, I thought, “What are the odds a male nurse, with the same name as my Twin would be the person watching over me today?” Left Brain says the odds are something like 100 to one, while Soul Brain says, “Of course he has the same name. Of course, he looks like him, with similar features and similar energy about him.” Of course… I asked him to be with me, to show me he was there, and there was no doubt in my mind that he was.

Apparently though, he wasn’t done. To make sure I truly believed he was with me, he had one more card to play. I am part of a mediumship mentorship program and once a month we gather (on Zoom) to work together, support each other, and hone our skills. I attended but, since I was still hopped up on drugs, I chose not to work. I was paired with another medium whom I knew to be very qualified.

The instructions were for the sitter (in this case, me) to share a modicum of information about a person in the spirit world and, since we wouldn’t be taking turns, I would be able to share about two people. Of course, I picked Twin. I also picked Michael. Both were important to me and they couldn’t be more different from each other. I shared about Michael first, and though he did come through, it was Twin who came through immediately and, according to the medium doing the reading, “he barged right in to make sure I knew he was there” and shared a wealth of evidential information.

My partner did not know me, did not know anything about me and did a great job of allowing these men who I love, to speak through him and remind me they are here. To say I am grateful doesn’t even begin to cover it.

Our loved ones are with us. The relationship and the reality of the situations has changed, but not the importance, and not the connection. The truth is, the more we open to them, the more they can show us.

*not his real name

For more information about my Twin, check out an earlier blog post entitled “Him.”


It’s Been A Year…

Today you’ve been gone a year.  How can it be a year when it still feels like yesterday?  How can it be that I’ve asked the same questions for 365 days?  Why did you leave?  Why didn’t we have more time?  How do I do this without you…

Composite drawing of my Grandmother and Aunt by Spirit Artist Joe Shiel

My heart is still broken for the loss of my Twin Flame and the tears still come, some days more than others. 
Somehow, I have learned to keep breathing and I have gotten *some* answers to my questions.  Though like anyone who’s lost someone important, finding answers to the questions doesn’t alter the pain of the loss, especially when it’s so sudden.  When a friend lost her mother, quite literally in the act of putting on her seatbelt, likely from an aneurism it happened so fast, he reminded me that sudden loss is so very jarring.  Jarring.  The word stuck with me because that is how it feels, like someone’s just shaken me very hard and even now, a full year later, I still find myself asking, “How can you be gone?” as I still struggle to digest this truth.

This same week, I lost another beloved friend, and while his battle was long and hard, in the end the cancer was victorious.  It is heartbreaking and awful to lose a childhood friend though for me, this was a bit less jarring than losing my Twin.  We all knew Stephen was “living” with cancer and his numbers were stable.  Anyone who’s been through or near a cancer journey knows that without a full remission, this is good news on borrowed time.  The numbers were stable until they weren’t and it took less than six months for cancer to win the day.  Not so with my Twin.  He left us all in the space of two weeks and jarring again seems an appropriate word.

As a medium I have no doubt in my mind that the soul continues, that he is still here, that he visits his family on a regular basis.  I have watched as he learned to communicate, and came to me through other mediums.  In workshops and classes, he shared information through people I’d never met before and let me know with full certainty, that he was the communicator.  The things they shared, details of his life I shared with no one, could not possibly have been known to them unless he himself was sharing it.  It was gut wrenching.  I wanted to scream, “why are you here but not here??” as I forced myself to write down every word they said.  I needed to remember, to be able to remind myself later, that he was there and that he could still communicate with me.  And on darker days, those notes have brought glimmers of light and healing as well.

As someone who does this work on a regular basis, I never cease to marvel at the information I am guided to share, information I could not possibly know about the total stranger sitting across from me.  But until he passed, I never fully felt the profundity of it for myself.  Often in workshops, my Nanna is first to come through to other student mediums.  She loves to drop in and say hi to everyone and she comes through so often I’ve learned to expect her.  I love hearing from her and I know she guides and helps me be a better conduit for those on her side of the veil.  And as much as I love her, and know she loves me, she is not the one I ache to hear from.

Last year, while at a muti-day training in Fort Myers, Fl, spirit artist and medium Joe Shiel had a wonderful connection with my other grandma, Helen and her sister, my Aunt Dora who is my Gatekeeper and guides me so often.  It was a beautiful experience to watch him work and know they are with me and, the portrait he drew of them now hangs in my reading room as a daily reminder that they are with us, watching and guiding as much as we will allow.

Earlier that same day, Joe asked for a volunteer for an exercise he had not yet explained.  I sat there, in nearly the last row of the room, bewildered as my hand shot into the air and the words “I’ll do it” popped out of my mouth.  It happened so fast and felt like someone had grabbed my wrist and tugged my arm into the air and before I knew what happened, I was walking towards to front of the room.    

During the course of the day, my twin had already come through to two other mediums I had just met, as he was learning to connect.  Those who know me know I do not believe in coincidence.  They asked me to trust them when Joe asked for volunteers and that trust was rewarded (as it always is) with a beautiful connection to my gramma and aunt and a drawing I’ll cherish forever.  (Google him, his work does not come cheap!)

As a medium, and for all that I know that I know, I still find myself filled with grief and with questions?  Even though I’m a medium, and I know that I know what I know, I am also still human.  A human who lost someone unexpectedly, someone, who even though he could infuriate the hell out of me, I loved in a way I didn’t know was possible, and in a way that will last forever. 

Every day, though especially today, on the first anniversary of his passing, I wish we’d had more time and I remain filled with grief and sadness.  I grieve like anyone, asking all the same questions of my ceiling, my God and my guides. And in this year of grief, amidst the madness and uncertainty of 2020, I have learned an important lesson.  It’s ok to not be ok.  More than that, it’s ok to say it aloud and let others know.

“I am not ok.”   But eventually…  one day…  I hope I will be.